Make me laugh for $1,000,000.00

[BamaFan1137]

But remember, I suck at decimal points.

Patrick O'Sullivan from Boston dies and goes to Heaven. He meets Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter tells him, "It's getting full in here, you have to tell me a joke and make me laugh if you want in."

Patrick says, "What did my first sexual experience and my funeral have in common?"

Saint Peter, "I don't know?"

Patrick, "I was the only one who came."

Saint Peter, "That's not funny."

Patrick, "I'm just kidding...my priest did too."

 

[BamaFan1137]

 

[Orange_N_White]

So the judge looks at Mickey Mouse and says “so you’re telling me you want a divorce from Minnie because she’s crazy?”

Mickey looks at the judge and says “No judge…I said I want a divorce because she’s fcking Goofy”

One show only folks

 

[Sanctions Stand]

Drunk farmer runs upstairs to his bedroom, opens the door as his wife wakes up. She sits up and notices he is holding a sheep under his arm.

The farmer yells out. "This is the pig I have been f'n!"
Wife says "You idiot... that is a sheep!"

Farmer says "Shut the F'up... I was talking to the sheep!"

Thanks, you have been a great audience... I'm here all week.

 

[BamaFan1137]

My doctor gave me 1 year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved.

 

[dustinator]

Two drunks sitting on a cornerstone are rating women as they pass-by..
There goes a 6, 7 9, ... a really good looking woman passes by and one of the drunks goes "she's a 8".
The woman hears it and goes "Why would I only be an 8?" . drunk goes "Cause it would take a team of clydesdales to pull me off of you".

 

[derek_tiger]

There are only two things I cannot abide by:

One is racism; the other is minorities.

 

[BamaFan1137]

There are only two things I cannot abide by:

One is racism; the other is minorities.

My grandfather complained, "Fvcking foreigners!" while we were hunting in Mexico." 😂

 

[Konigstiger]

I have a friend who was diagnosed with a severe case of peekaboo.
His doctor sent him directly to the ICU.

 

[Reasoned]

^ cute….. and clean 😊

 

[dustinator]

"Joe Biden is not a career liar and draft dodger!"

 

[GwinnettDawg]

But remember, I suck at decimal points.

Patrick O'Sullivan from Boston dies and goes to Heaven. He meets Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter tells him, "It's getting full in here, you have to tell me a joke and make me laugh if you want in."

Patrick says, "What did my first sexual experience and my funeral have in common?"

Saint Peter, "I don't know?"

Patrick, "I was the only one who came."

Saint Peter, "That's not funny."

Patrick, "I'm just kidding...my priest did too."

Auburn football

 

[dhetiger]

I have a friend who was diagnosed with a severe case of peekaboo.
His doctor sent him directly to the ICU.

Guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I have a problem. Sometimes I think I'm a teepee, and sometimes I think I'm a wigwam."
Doc says, "I know what your problem is. You're too tense."

 

[Orange_N_White]

Guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I have a problem. Sometimes I think I'm a teepee, and sometimes I think I'm a wigwam."
Doc says, "I know what your problem is. You're too tense."

Just like that…the thread dies 😂

 

[dhetiger]

Just like that…the thread dies 😂

Thread killa!

 

[dhetiger]

Just like that…the thread dies 😂

 

[Orange_N_White]

View embedded media

Whata you know from funny you bastad

 

[billywayneluck]

Guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I have a problem. Sometimes I think I'm a teepee, and sometimes I think I'm a wigwam."
Doc says, "I know what your problem is. You're too tense."

Bud-um-bum.

 

[BKHusky]

What’s the difference in a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never let a garbanzo bean on me

 

[BamaFan1137]

What does a tortoise and a pedophile have in common?

Both try to arrive before the Hare.

 

[billywayneluck]

What does a tortoise and a pedophile have in common?

Both try to arrive before the Hare.

omg, so wrong, but I still laughed.

 

[Pops Masterson]

 

[HONKifUvCOACHED4BAMA]

One night a UFO lands in the middle of USA on Route 66 at an old gas station that’s been closed for a few hours and no one is there. OLD station. I’m talking so old they had the double gravity gas dispensers with the glass bowl thingy on top…
Two aliens walk up to one of the dispensers and say, “TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!”
Gas dispenser just sits there motionless, of course.
“TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER OR I WILL LASER BLAST YOU!”
After a few more seconds they start blasting the dispensers. Then the sparks managed to ignite the gas and… KABOOM! The blast blows the aliens back 20 yards on their asses!
As they’re getting up and dusting themselves off one of the aliens looks at the other and says, “Dayum! I knew that sumbitch was gonna be trouble when I saw him standing there with his dik in his ear!”

 

[BamaFan1137]

View embedded media

When your joke can make Bob Saget silent due to shock, that's a pretty good joke.