Dear residents of the Podunk, IA school district,
I Barney Jones, Athletic Director for the Podunk Lemmings, with approval from the Podunk School board and Principal G. W. Bush have decided to cancel all athletic activities for the remaining school year. I have made that decision based on the fact that we cannot compete with Catholic Schools in our conference, district and state. We have done extensive athletic evaluations and we have concluded that our athletes suck at sports when compared to the athletes at those private schools. Along that line we have also decided to release all of our coaches as they also cannot coach at the level of the elite private schools. These coaches will have the opportunity to teach if they do now but obviously they will be looking for jobs elsewhere and we have set up a pipeline to the local cab driving companies for them to interview for those open positions.
You may be asking yourself what will our kids that compete in sports do now during the season in which they played their sport? Well, we are proposing to the state to start a tiered athletic approach. We are asking that all private schools play their respective sports at the Varsity level while the rest of the schools participate in the newly formed IAHS_JV_AA_Loser classification. What does this mean for your kids? Well, it will make things much easier for them. No longer do they have to train, run, lift weights, attend camps, etc or any of the extra things they did to get better and compete - but seriously it's public school so none of those kids did that anyway. Tell your kids there is no need to get better because you will always be one step behind those private school kids. If the state agrees with the IAHS_JV_AA_Loser concept all games will be played at 3:00 on Monday and Wednesday. This will give ample time to go and see the real teams and athletes that will compete on Friday nights. There will be no playoff system for the IAHS_JV_AA_Loser classification due to the fact that this league will only have one game for each sport. We will also not allow for any practice and all athletes must have equal playing time and everyone will receive a participation paper indicated that they were among the elite IAHS_JV_AA_Loser athletes.
How did we come up with this? Well we did extensive research and I mean extensive countless minutes consulting with the experts that participate on the Iowa Rivals message boards. That group has become the defacto experts on this subject and after countless discussions on the topic it has been determined that private schools are just better at everything. We had planned to do an extensive athletic evaluation but none of the public school kids showed up. We can only assume that they know they suck so there is no need to compete.
Conclusion:
Tell your little athletes that life sucks and unless you as parents can make more money and have the ability to send them to the elite private schools they will always suck and there is no need to compete.
I just received a phone call from the state and they agreed with everything we said. Unfortunately they only agreed that our kids suck as athletes and that we cannot have the IAHS_JV_AA_Loser classification because they cannot justify sending referees or umpires to those events because everyone sucks that participates. They indicated that we would need to provide everything on our behalf and asked if it was really worth doing. We decided nope. So we are going to extend this cancellation to permanent until we can receive our private school rating. They also did suggest sending your kids to the newly formed Special Olympics for Iowa Public Schools...now showing on Iowa Public TV.
So go back to watching The Voice or whatever mind numbing TV shows you watch and have your beers and wallow in your "suckdom" as today we are truly losers united!!!
I Barney Jones, Athletic Director for the Podunk Lemmings, with approval from the Podunk School board and Principal G. W. Bush have decided to cancel all athletic activities for the remaining school year. I have made that decision based on the fact that we cannot compete with Catholic Schools in our conference, district and state. We have done extensive athletic evaluations and we have concluded that our athletes suck at sports when compared to the athletes at those private schools. Along that line we have also decided to release all of our coaches as they also cannot coach at the level of the elite private schools. These coaches will have the opportunity to teach if they do now but obviously they will be looking for jobs elsewhere and we have set up a pipeline to the local cab driving companies for them to interview for those open positions.
You may be asking yourself what will our kids that compete in sports do now during the season in which they played their sport? Well, we are proposing to the state to start a tiered athletic approach. We are asking that all private schools play their respective sports at the Varsity level while the rest of the schools participate in the newly formed IAHS_JV_AA_Loser classification. What does this mean for your kids? Well, it will make things much easier for them. No longer do they have to train, run, lift weights, attend camps, etc or any of the extra things they did to get better and compete - but seriously it's public school so none of those kids did that anyway. Tell your kids there is no need to get better because you will always be one step behind those private school kids. If the state agrees with the IAHS_JV_AA_Loser concept all games will be played at 3:00 on Monday and Wednesday. This will give ample time to go and see the real teams and athletes that will compete on Friday nights. There will be no playoff system for the IAHS_JV_AA_Loser classification due to the fact that this league will only have one game for each sport. We will also not allow for any practice and all athletes must have equal playing time and everyone will receive a participation paper indicated that they were among the elite IAHS_JV_AA_Loser athletes.
How did we come up with this? Well we did extensive research and I mean extensive countless minutes consulting with the experts that participate on the Iowa Rivals message boards. That group has become the defacto experts on this subject and after countless discussions on the topic it has been determined that private schools are just better at everything. We had planned to do an extensive athletic evaluation but none of the public school kids showed up. We can only assume that they know they suck so there is no need to compete.
Conclusion:
Tell your little athletes that life sucks and unless you as parents can make more money and have the ability to send them to the elite private schools they will always suck and there is no need to compete.
I just received a phone call from the state and they agreed with everything we said. Unfortunately they only agreed that our kids suck as athletes and that we cannot have the IAHS_JV_AA_Loser classification because they cannot justify sending referees or umpires to those events because everyone sucks that participates. They indicated that we would need to provide everything on our behalf and asked if it was really worth doing. We decided nope. So we are going to extend this cancellation to permanent until we can receive our private school rating. They also did suggest sending your kids to the newly formed Special Olympics for Iowa Public Schools...now showing on Iowa Public TV.
So go back to watching The Voice or whatever mind numbing TV shows you watch and have your beers and wallow in your "suckdom" as today we are truly losers united!!!
